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THE PROCRAFTINATOR AND THE DAD-BLASTED HAT
By: Audrey Lintner


If you’ll take a moment to step outside, you’ll notice that it is no longer warm. If you’ll take a moment to step inside my house, you’ll notice something else.

No, not the nine thousand paper numbers arrayed across the floor.

I’m talking about yarn. It’s piled on every available surface that isn’t covered in paper numbers. The numbers belong to Junior; he’d like to claim the yarn for making “stwing numboos”, but it’s not happening.

So, yarn everywhere. Now that the season of horrid frigidity is upon us, it’s time to get serious about knitting. Winter is the time of knitting hats and socks and blankets and sweaters. Being The Procraftinator means that very little of this stuff actually gets done, but it’s the thought that counts.

I decided to kick off this season’s knitting with a hat. Nothing fancy, just a nice watch cap. I found some soft wool in the right color, and splurged on a set of nifty new slick-nickel-plated circular needles. Since they didn’t send me a free set, I’m not going to tell you the company name, but knitters everywhere will probably guess when I mention how super-duper speedy these needles are.

Anyhow.

I cast on a reasonable number of stitches and started knitting. After about three inches of said knitting, something became painfully obvious. I was not knitting a hat. I gazed at the pretty blue stitches in my hand and realized that, thanks to slick-nickel-induced wonky gauge, I was knitting a house cozy.

Rats.

I tore out all of the knitting and started over with fewer stitches. One cup of coffee and several rounds later, I uttered a string of vulgarities. I still wasn’t knitting a hat. Now it was more like a skirt. I paused for more coffee and vulgarities before tearing out my knitting and starting over. This time, I gave myself a pep snarl.

“Okay. We are making a hat. Not a boat tarp, not a car cover, and not a three-man sweater. A hat. Stop messing around and make a freaking HAT!”

I apparently put the Fear of Scissors into my yarn, because it is now turning into a hat. Be fierce with fiber is the lesson for today, I guess.

Only eleven hats to go …